I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
