Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I smell like Dick and happiness
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
