Don't make out with my wife yet
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
