the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize
