She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
