I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
