Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
