I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
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it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
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Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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