there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
