I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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