I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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