I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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