So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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