you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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