i think my tv is drunk
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
