doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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