Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
