also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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