Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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