Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
