3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
