I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We had sex on a dog bed..
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome