Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
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His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
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I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..