I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Randomize
