you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
