Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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