You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
