someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
whose parrot is this?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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