it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
