um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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