If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
