he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
