I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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