Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.