so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.