Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
