Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
