The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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