I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
