1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
