Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
We're too hungover to prance.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
