I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
