Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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