I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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