Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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