I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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