Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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