I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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