Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
