Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
