It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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