I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
