i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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