I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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