you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
