do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize