i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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