I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
