I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
