I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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