Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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